The Lilac Bush

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When lilacs last in the dooryard bloom'd,
And the great star early droop'd iun the western sky in the night,
I mourn'd, and yet shall mourn with ever-returning spring.
-Walt Whitman

This page is about surviving childhood sexual abuse. I hope to provide links and, as I feel more comfortable with my own case, a personal history of the path of HEALING.

I choose the title, The Lilac Bush, because that is where I ran to when things got too bad. A huge bramble made up of Lilac bushes. Inside was a child's fantasy of 'rooms' and paths. Most of the neighborhood children played in it. But for me it was the ultimate refuge from too harsh reality. To this day, the scent of lilacs gives me a feeling of peace and security nothing else can. Calgon's "Lush Lilac" line of bath products have been a true Godsend.

I have already been down the pathways of denial, and silence. I suffer depression. I am remembering more each day, and this is a path I understand I must follow, though I very much would like to skip over. I am also a 'biter'. When the pain inside gets to be too much I bite my self, so I can either distract myself from the inner pain, or feel that pain as a physical thing. This tends to leave bruises.

I am in therapy, and have help dealing with this, bit by bit, piece by piece.

I also feel the urge to state for the record that I have a loving and, mostly, supportive family. My abuser was a distant uncle, who lived nearby. Most of my immediate family have been doing what they can to help me in my recovery, especially my mother, and sister. My heart and thanks go out to them. Having a good Support system is important.

I am also a Christian. I have felt my personal relationship with God strained, at times, due to this, but my Pastor has also been a wonderful wellspring of support and spiritual uplifting. There is no such thing as unanswered prayer. It's just that sometimes the answer is 'No.' My Pastor sent me this poem about just that. One of the best poems ever written to inspire a Christian who has suffered any devistating experiance is "Footprints In The Sand". I urge you to read it.

I am also inspired by the following Bible passage:
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear or be in dread of them: for it is the LORD your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you.
-- Deuteronomy 31:6

I will add to this site as I feel comfortable with sharing my own tale.

As a devoted fan of the television show "The X-Files" and a fanfic author I managed to put into words some of what a survivor feels in a story of complete fantasy titled "Covanant II: Monsters". Yes, this was in part a personal release of my own monster. But where the abuser in that story was the father, my own father is a decent man who didn't even know about the abuse until 5 years ago.

If this web site helps just one other survivor, than it is well worth the effort.

I am a strong believer in the power of poetry. I've written it for years, and I read the classic poets for relaxation. So there are many Poems to be found on this site.

Please read the Survivor's Prayer.

My Furry Friends